So. The Twilight Movie.
Truly, it did not disappoint in either fail or lulz, except in its lack of the "do I dazzle you" line. If they could include the damn mushroom ravioli, they could’ve included the bloody "do I dazzle you" line. They even set it up with the checking-out-Cullen waitress, and then just let it sit there, completely unsaid! It would have been the marashino cherry of awesome on a hilariously lol sundae. The unbuttoned shirt "this is the skin of a MONSTERRR" line in the Meadow of Great Sparkle almost-but-not-quite made up for it, though.
WHAT was with emo Eric and his
stereotypically closet gay personality emo hair? Perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised, as it’s just another in a line of WTF from the makeup and hair department that decided to make the male vampire cast look paler by keeping them well stocked in Maybeline Saucy Mauve lipcolour. Please to be also not allowing me to get started on or go anywhere near the 100% fail that was the wardrobe department’s lame-ass attempt at period (or native) clothing in the flashbacks (anviliciously tinted sepia, just in case you missed that Flashback Voiceover DUH moment there).
I especially liked how they managed to stay true to the book in some pivotal places, like inserting Random Acts of Clumsiness throughout, just in case we all forgot the pivotal point that– wait a second…. OH RIGHT, BELLA’S CLUMSINESS IS NOT PIVOTAL AT ALL, IT’S JUST HER ENDEARING BUT CRIPPLING
MARY SUE FLAW TO REMIND US SHE’S NOT SELF INSERTION TWO-DIMENSIONAL AT ALL.
As for the two leads, I have very little to say about Miss Stiffy McOne-Face and Mr Constipation Man Cullen. Seriously, Kristen Stewart made exactly one face throughout the entire film, and it was the one where it looked like she had a permanent underbite and lockjaw issues. As for Robert Pattison, I can see the vague outline of appeal, but it’s so heavily obscured by intense butterscotch stares and the Angsty Face of Great Pain (and Maybeline Saucy Mauve) that all that remains is some guy wearing heavy makeup with hair puff levels that seriously need to be reconsidered (wardrobe/makeup department current score: -5).
I don’t know if they were trying to be all Intense and Emotional or what, but I saw zero chemestry and 100% awkwardness between the two of them. Was that the point? Is that what they were trying for? Did I miss something while reading the book, or is this some sort of interpretation of Vampire/Teenage Angsty-Romance I am thus far not familiar with? Every time they were within eyesight of each other, Bella just looked like she was in some sort of underbite, jaw-pinned, robotic trance. To be fair, it might have been the only way she could deal with all that gratuitous Acting! coming from Edward.
Edward throwing up in his mouth a little when the fan wafts Bella’s scent in his general direction? I may have guffawed into my scarf. Edward, you fail at subtle.
And then the movie was all, "whoops!" and I was all "Wha– Was that… was that plot? *checks watch* But we’re only ten minutes in! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH TWILIGHT? and then the fangirls behind me were like, "SHHHHHH!". There was more surprise plot-droppings later (but not later enough like it should have been if it was really Twilight, y’know) including one whilst driving back to Forks in the Volvo of Great Justice, which thoroughly shocked me by making it so the plot didn’t, like, come from nowhere. I found the hilarity again pretty quickly, though, when Edward’s eyes just about bulged from their sockets when he *INTENSES* Carlisle in what I can only assume is some pretty hardcore mind-reading, based on the Meaningful Look Carlisle passed Edward.
The sparkling was exactly what I hoped it would be, which was the most ridiculous visual ever. The no-sex Meadow of Great Sparkle sex scene with the sudden
killer sparkle might be the most hilarious punctuation of a scene in which nothing happens I’ve ever seen:
Bella and Edward: *stares*
Sun: *comes out*
Edward’s Killer Skin: *sparkles*
I also have to say the no-sex tree-sex scene was another piece of giggly cinematic gold.
Y’know that part where they walk up the stairs in the Cullen house and see the Graduation Hat artwork on the wall? I can’t have been the only one thinking Growing Up Cullen at that moment, I just can’t. All I could think about was Edward in all his scrapbooking glory bending over it and painstakingly trying to decided how to colour-code in the gang’s latest caps.
The baseball game and their matching uniforms was pretty much what I expected, though I’m honestly not sure what to make of Alice’s Baseball-Ballet pitcher maneover. (Also, I can’t remember what Rosalie’s vampire super power was. Based off the information gathered in this movie, I can only surmise it is the Bitch-Flounce, but can someone get back to me on that?) But then the Dramatic Guitar Solo indicated Oncoming Swaggering Plot would be Slo-Moing, and I can’t tell you how hard it was to smoother my giggles at the Sharks’n’Jets routine, especially when they all started hissing at each other. Did I miss the hissing in the book? Because there was a lot of vampire hissing going on. Maybe it’s a side effect of the sparkling.
I was left somewhat slackjawed by the Plot That Had Been Carefully Laid leading to what was the lamest slapfight of all time. It was sure a good thing the movie spent all that time carefully laying the trail for that plot, or I seriously might have missed the climax as it passed by in a stream of badly shot and unremarkable wire-choreography in, like, five seconds. If not for the hissing and the
I-have-to-pee predator campfire dancing in the background, it would have even remained entirely unlulzy (though Alice snapping what’s-iz-name’s neck was pretty fucking sweet, I have to admit).
In conclusion, I paid zero dollars and received two hours of hearty lulz. I hear they’ve greenlit the second movie, so I guess this means I’ll have to go and read the second book sometime before I sneak into that one, too.